


blue can be kind, too

by Tarredion



Series: kid!fic [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Kindergarten & Pre-school, Bullying, Dan Howell Needs A Hug, Developing Friendships, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kid Dan Howell, Kid Phil Lester, Past Violence, Sad and Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:22:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24308914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarredion/pseuds/Tarredion
Summary: A tale of being scared, starting fresh, and making your first ever friends after experiencing violent bullying.Or rather, four-year-old Dan's first day at his new kindergarten.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: kid!fic [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1787062
Comments: 20
Kudos: 44





	blue can be kind, too

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you and gratitude for all the encouragement and answers, people - especially to DayDay for doing awesome beta work for this fic!!
> 
> Most of the fic is based upon real child psychology, milestones, and behavior, but there may be some inconsistencies

Karen and her almost five-year-old son had come to check out his new preschool. They were stood in the bright green hallway, discussing the situation with one of the workers- well, his mum was. Dan had yet to speak at all...

Shuffling his feet, Dan chewed on his lower lip. He could see his new classmates playing in the next room over. They all seemed to be very good friends, laughing and talking very loudly. He wished to join them. At his old school, he hadn’t had many friends. None at all, actually.

They stood here now because they were mean to him. Not kind. He heard his mother tell the teacher earlier - stories he had felt himself. She’d told the stories of how they pushed him in the playground, broke his toys, hid his clothing, and shouted angry words at him.

Angry, mean words, like  _ Faggot,  _ and _ Gay _ . Dan didn’t know what they meant, but he did know that’s why they were here, and that they hurt. That they were some of many bad, bad words. 

Dan frowned and shook his head, not wanting to think of how horrible they had been to him. Sometimes, if he thought about it too much, he could feel their kicks in his tummy, and that made his tummy hurt.

Subconsciously, his small hands flew to that part of his body, balling into gentle fists. His lower lip stuck out even further. 

“Well, I suppose we’ll sign the paperwork then, Mrs. Howell?”

“Right!” his mum laughed, looking down at her son, who looked back with wide brown eyes. “Would it be possible for anyone to watch Daniel? He can get quite.. panicked when left alone in a new place.”

“Absolutely no problem, I’ll call one of the older kids over,” his new teacher responded. Dan thought she had a very deep voice. Like the ocean, or the dark. But he’d never liked the dark.. and her voice was very happy and kind, not something he didn’t like... so actually, he didn’t really know what he thought it sounded like. “Phil?”

Just as she called, a tall kid with bright hair jumped up and began to rush towards them; probably this Phil-boy. Dan felt his eyes widen, worry washing over him.

He ran behind his mummy’s legs, hugging them tight. Surely he couldn’t be seen now! 

After a little time, he peeked around her, immediately jumping back as the boy only came closer. The adults began to laugh, and Dan felt heat fill his cheeks. Like his dad had said just at breakfast in the morning, why did he always have to be so… so… so...  _ what was it? _

He bit down on his tongue.

so… so…  _ embarrassing! _

Dan would’ve been proud of himself for remembering a new word, had he not felt so scared he was shaking. As the boy, whose name he’d already forgotten, paused his step, he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to let the dark swallow him. 

“I’m Phil, nice to meet you,” a very calm voice said, and Dan’s stomach flipped. He was very surprised at that, but it also made him open his eyes.

This new, older boy didn’t sound mean or scary at all. He sounded.. kind. And Dan really liked that.

But it also made Dan think so hard his brow furrowed. He’d thought all older kids were mean up until now, but what if they weren't? What if this boy- this  _ Phil _ wanted to be his friend?

Before he could think about it any more, his mum took his hand and pulled him so Phil could see him. In shock, he hid his face behind his hands. “Come on Daniel, please introduce yourself.”

Doing as he was told, Dan spied between his fingers and stuttered out his name at the same time. He felt very relieved that he didn’t laugh at how he talked; people often did, and it made him feel sick.

He saw the boy smile, eyebrows rising into his very bright, red hair. It was a very pretty smile, he thought.  _ Pretty _ in the way that his dad would call his mum when she wore that shiny stuff on her face. Or at least his dad would say he felt all warm inside when he looked at her then, and that’s how Dan felt right now. Like toast, or fire.

It felt like a very happy feeling, even if his heart did began to beat really fast.

With a quick kiss on his head, his mum headed off. Dan grasped after her, but it was to no use. He watched her go with a very sad face, feeling left alone. It wasn’t often that he went anywhere without his mum or his nana, not without having meanies pick on him.

_ Want nana _ , Dan realized. _ Nana gives sweets and hugs when you feel lonely _ . But nana wasn’t here, and he knew so, but he still missed her. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to give comfort. 

His eyes were burning, but he really, really,  _ really _ didn’t want to cry in school ever again. His old classmates had pushed him for crying. Then they had kicked him when he cried more because he got hurt. Dan didn’t want to be pushed or kicked again, all the falling made his skin go blue and achy. His mum called it bruising.

He still had a blue spot on his elbow. There was no cure, the doctor had said, and so he could touch it with his left hand even some time later. At the pain, he winced.

Blue. Speaking of blue, Phil’s eyes were the same colour as the sky. The boy had coughed when he saw Dan’s face twist, making him look up.

Phil reached out and wiped his tears, and then asked him to take his hand. Dan had frozen on the spot. He was so shocked Phil would ask such a thing that he almost jumped when he spoke again.

“I can show you around, if you’d like.” He reached out with his hand, and Dan looked at it. It wasn’t a very scary hand. After all, it did just wipe away the bad bad tears.

After a moment's hesitation, Dan decided that Phil wasn’t going to use this hand to push him, and took it. As he was pulled along, he noticed it actually wasn’t much bigger than his own, and it didn’t squeeze. The feeling was a bit like holding nana’s hand.

They walked into the classroom and Dan couldn’t help but to look more closely at the other kids.

Some were running around, some talking to the teacher. What he noticed most of all was that both girls and boys played together. At his old school, they laughed at you for playing with girls if you weren’t one. Not that Dan was very sure about the difference, really, between boys and girls. He’d just known that was wrong.

Apparently not here, though. Maybe that’d make it easier to make friends, too, if he could talk with the girls. It was often boys that hurt him. 

One girl with black hair stopped stacking her blocks when they walked past. Her big eyes followed them like black beetles and it made Dan nervous. He’d never liked insects.

“Are they.. nice?” 

“Most of them.” Phil looked back at the girl who’d gone back to her building. “That’s Alicia, you don’t have to be frightened of her. She’s my friend.”

Dan wasn’t sure what importance being Phil’s friend had -he didn’t know much about what being friends actually meant- but he did know that it meant she wouldn’t push anyone Phil liked. And Phil seemed to like him, so Alicia couldn’t be mean to him.

They stopped by the wall with no windows. Two bookshelves there were filled with so many books Dan could never think of anyone being able to read all of them to him, ever.

Phil began to tell him about the books. There were picture books and big-word books and colouring books. Dan liked picture books the most; he hoped they had Winnie The Pooh. His mum always read them to him, he watched him on the telly at his nan’s house, and he’d even gotten a teddy from Santa.

This new school had reading sessions. They were on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, Phil said. He could probably get to read Winnie The Pooh then, too. He’d just have to find out what day it was today; he hadn’t kept time nor asked in the morning.

When Phil went to take out a book he liked, he reached all the way up to the highest shelf. Dan’s mouth fell open. He never thought a child could reach there! But dad always said he shouldn’t, so he never really tried. Maybe he could.

Phil showed him the cover, before opening it up. The papers fluttered. “This is Matilda, by Roald Dahl.”

Dan peeked at the pages, and frowned. It wasn’t as colourful as he’d like, filled with words, but he’d still ask Phil what it was, because he wanted to know everything about the older boy. He wanted to be his friend. 

“What is Roll Dal?” he asked quietly, pressing a finger onto the page. “And who is Matilda?”

Phil laughed, barking like Bangy often did. Dan frowned harder. He couldn’t understand what was so funny. But he also supposed that if it made Phil happy, then it couldn’t be bad, and so he stopped frowning immediately.

“Roald Dahl is the writer. He made the book. Matilda is the main character.” Though Dan couldn’t understand what Main Character meant, he still nodded.

People were still moving around the room. He couldn’t see the teacher, though. That wasn’t so good. No teacher meant trouble. Dan had almost forgotten trouble was a thing, that people could be mean. Phil was just so kind to him that he forgot.

Another girl, with shiny white hair, stomped over to the towers of blocks. She looked very angry. Dan wouldn’t have wanted to stand in her way.

“Get away, I want these!” she shouted, sounding even angrier. Even if she wasn’t shouting at him, Dan’s fists tightened.

Alicia didn’t move, and that made the girl even angrier. She took a hold of her, shaking Alicia until she fell onto her side, immediately bursting into tears. Dan bit down on his tongue, feeling the pain in his own arm. 

“Stop  _ looking _ so weird,” said the girl who’d just pushed Alicia over, spit flying everywhere. She put her nose in the air and glared at him. The already frightened Dan swiveled on the spot.

His bright yellow sleeve was a good distraction. He chewed on the end, nervously stomping his feet. If he couldn’t see the girl, then she couldn’t see him. If he kept all his attention on the fabric in his mouth, then the meanies couldn’t get to him.

Phil continued talking. It made Dan a little less scared that Phil didn’t seem to care what others thought about him. He could protect him if the meanies ever did something to him.

That’s when he remembered mum didn’t want him to chew on his clothes. She’d said they wouldn’t last. Quickly, he pulled it out of his mouth. If he had Phil for protection, then he wouldn’t need to chew on his sleeves anyways, and his mum wouldn’t be sad over it.

Next, they walked across the room to the windows. When he stood on his tiptoes, Dan could see the older kids playing football outside.

“There’s a football practice two days a week. We can join if we have recess.” Phil pointed to a tall boy with a stern face. “That is my brother. I’m expected on the team, too, he’s that good.”

Dan felt a little worried.  _ Not want. _ He didn’t like playing. Older kids always kicked the ball hard, and if you got hit… Dan shuddered. He had gone to school nurse much because of the pain, and he didn’t want to have to go anymore. Not for pushing or football.  _ Not. Want. _

His lips tightened. “Does everyone ‘ave to?”

“Of course not. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. That’s why I’m not going.”

Phil showed Dan many more things. There was a bathroom down the hall, a nap room next door, and a drawing board in the classroom. They’d eat in there. 

There were also many toys. The playmats were much softer and nicer than at his old school. They had large boxes filled with toys, from dolls and machines to soft squishy things and blocks. There were so many Dan wasn’t sure which he’d like to play with!

Play-doh came in many colours, which he’d only ever seen at church, where he went with his nana sometimes. He really wanted to use the squidgy clay more, like at home or here, so he was happy about that. It was nice to touch. 

There were also many, many crayons. The class could use them any time, and Phil said no-one was allowed to take them from him. It made him sad when people took his stuff, and so he’d trust Phil. Phil made him forget how it was to be sad, for a little while.

The teachers also made them go look for things.  _ Quest, _ as he called it. Dan had never been on a  _ quest, _ not even been on a walk outside with other kids, because he’d been alone all the time. But it sounded fun, because Phil had said it was like being a hero, looking for dragons and treasure. Like in some of his picture books, and Phil’s big-boy books.

He’d pulled on the bottom of his shirt. “Would you like to go on a qwest with me?” he’d asked, and Phil laughed, saying yes. That was very kind of him, and it made Dan’s cheeks warm. But not in an embarrassing way.

Finally, Phil took him to the best spot in the whole room. The playhouse!

Dan bounced excitedly when he saw it, smiling ‘til it hurt. He’d never seen a playhouse so big, with so many colours. Each room was different, and there were more than one, two, three, four.. five.. six.. seven… like over ten! It was sure to become his favorite one; he really liked playhouses.

He bounced and pulled on Phil’s arm. “Can- can- can we- can we play house?”

Phil opened his mouth to answer, but then a mean voice snickered behind them. “ _ Boys _ don’t play house.”

The bouncing stopped. Dan felt fear flood him.  _ Oh no, _ he thought, chewing on the inside of his cheek.  _ Meanies.  _ He’d really thought his new classmates would be different. But his old had thought the same about playing house. Or at least the boys had, and he hadn’t been allowed to play with the girls anyways.

He almost began to sniffle again, pouting, but the older boy took his hands gently and made him look away. As if by magic, he stopped hearing the meanie’s voice. 

“Did you know that giraffes can lick themselves in the ear?” Phil stuck his tongue out, not going further than his cheek. 

“Course not, silly.” Dan responded, giggling when he made a ridiculous gurgling noise to prove it. It was so ridiculous that Dan had to throw his small hand over Phil’s mouth to make him stop.

When he licked his palm instead he shrieked, pulling his hand away. “That’s really  _ weird _ Phiww!”

“Well, aren’t we all,” said the older boy, winking weirdly at him. With both eyes. 

Trying to keep his laughter down, Dan squeezed his mouth shut and puffed his cheeks like a chipmunk. But he couldn’t stop the laughing once it started. He fell into Phil’s arms, laughing so much he almost dropped.

He felt.. comfortable... And obviously, Phil didn’t think he was weird, which made him very very very  _ very _ happy. So happy he’d almost never been before.

Their hug lasted a little while, and it was the best hug Dan had had all week. One where it didn’t start out with him being sad, hurt by meanies, or just confused. He squeezed him so tightly he burrowed himself into Phil’s chest, messing up his curls.

This. This might be his first friend. And thinking like that about Phil made his tummy ache quite a bit less. It felt almost as good as being with nana, or getting his toys back, or watching Winnie The Pooh.

Phil still hugged him tighter, even as their legs started to shake from the weight. He wanted to hug him longer, even if he couldn’t do it properly.

But at that point Dan knew he was missing something. He thought back to where they had been and what Phil had shown him, counting them with his eyes closed.  _ Hallway… bathroom… the outside... _

He frowned, face still smushed into Phil’s chest. 

And then he realized - they hadn’t gone to the nap room yet!

Using Phil for balance, he looked up into the older boy’s blue eyes, blinking at the light. “We haven’t gone to the nap room!” he whispered dramatically as he tugged on Phil’s shirt.

Chuckling softly, Phil asked; “Well, do you want to?” And Dan nodded. He did.

Once Phil pushed the door open to that room, Dan’s eyes widened. He quietly embraced himself. The nap room was very dark, and scary things came in the dark, which is why he never really liked it. Even if it was just shadows, as his mum said, and they couldn’t hurt him… Dan woke up often enough without being able to move to know that maybe.. maybe they could get him.

After all, the other kids could hurt him even if he ran as fast as he could. Even if he was kind, or even just didn’t talk to them.

Phil turned around when he noticed he’d stopped in the doorway. After looking at him once, he walked over to a wall and kindly said; “Do you want me to turn the light on?”

Dan looked down at his feet before nodding. He felt a little ashamed and shy for still being scared of the dark at this age. Still, Phil didn’t seem to think it was weird, and he just turned the light on instead of saying anything.

Small beds sat on the floor, with very colourful blankets and pillowcases. Some even had rows of stuffed bears sat on them. Dan walked over to the only empty one and sat down, dangling his legs over the edge. He guessed it was gonna be his.

It was a very soft bed, he realized when he sunk into it. And as soon as he had, Dan began to feel very calm, and… a little sleepy. Almost needy. He wanted something to cuddle, or something to pacify him.

_ Suck thumb, _ his mind said, and he just had to give in.

He shifted on the bed, turning away from Phil, embarrassed since the older boy might not want to see him suck his thumb. He knew older kids just didn’t suck anymore. Maybe it was weird to them, then, he’d guessed. Maybe  _ he _ was also weird for sucking his thumb.

He’d only sucked on his left thumb for a few seconds when a creaking noise behind him made him jump. It fell out of his mouth, onto his bottom lip, and surprise washed over him. 

Then the older boy crawled across the bed, sitting next to him, spreading warmth. Dan crossed his legs, hanging his head.

“You can continue,” Phil whispered, and he didn’t even have to look in Dan’s eyes for him to believe him. And so he nervously did, after a moment’s hesitation.

Dan’s eyelids began to fall. He tried to stop himself from snuggling up, but he just felt so so sleepy. And Phil, Phil was warm. Soft and squishy like a gigantic teddy bear.  _ Better than a snuggle blanket _ , he thought, and paused his sucking to smile with a yawn.

Fingers touched his scalp, slowly combing through his hair. His mum would often stroke his head while singing a lullaby to get him to sleep, and just like at night, this felt soothing... his eyes closed within seconds, a silence filling him, along with happiness and calm… he sucked his thumb slower and slower… he felt  _ safe… _ like he belonged ….

… 

… 

….  _ bright, _ Dan thought into the empty whiteness, feeling suddenly annoyed. He wanted to pout, but he wasn’t sure how to, for some reason.

He also wanted to open his eyes, but they felt really very heavy.

Something moved him… Then, slowly like a turtle -Dan had found out what a turtle was from a picture book only weeks earlier- he could begin to hear his mum’s familiar voice. He couldn’t focus on what she was saying, but she was definitely speaking.

Eyes blinking open, Dan screwed up his face. He whined as his mum, cradling him in his arms, opened a car door and began to put him into his seat. He didn’t want to go, he wanted to sleep!

“Now, now, Dan,” she laughed. “Put your seatbelt on, please. You can sleep at home, darling.” She closed the door after him, and Dan tried his best to follow what she’d said, in his slow state. 

Even if Dan wanted to cross his arms and stay annoyed after putting on his belt, he put his thumb back in his mouth instead. It was better than being cross or angry, he knew; the meanies were always angry, and that’s why they made him hurt. Nana said so.

While he sucked, he glanced out the window for a second. That’s when he saw the boy with red hair.  _ Phil! _

Surprised, his heart began to beat fast again. He dropped his hands and pressed his nose against the glass, gaping aloud. Phil was waving at him, a big smile on his face. Nobody had ever waved like that at him before. Not nicely, at least. Of course he was surprised.

Shyly, he put his hand up and waved back. His cheeks flushed, even as he knew he shouldn’t be embarrassed. Phil was his friend now, wasn’t he.

The car woke, and he kept his eyes on Phil the entire time as they drove away from his new school. He almost couldn’t believe it. He was just so happy. Happier than he’d ever been, he knew, and he took his Bear from the middle seat with needy hands because of it.

They turned onto a jumpy road. “Was Phil kind to you?”

Dan heard what his mum had asked, and looked down at his Bear, asking the same thing in his mind. The fluffy face looked back at him knowingly, and he pulled it into a tight, needy hug. For a moment, he imagined it was Phil he was hugging, his warmth in his arms.  _ Phil kind. _

Phil would protect him from the meanies that wanted to kick or push him. Phil would play with him, and make him laugh. Help him when he got hurt, or needed something done.

He smiled, and he didn’t need to look at his mum to know that she knew what he was thinking.

_ Phil nice. Phil is your friend,  _ his mind told him firmly. _ Phil gave you a chance. _

Truly; one person accepting you can make all the difference.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> reblog on tumblr here:
> 
> <https://tarredion.tumblr.com/post/618752934398803968/blue-can-be-kind-too>  
> 


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